"Be My Friend!"

Dear Cindy,

After visiting your beautiful website [recommended by a strange friend of mine] I felt compelled to write to you.

Although slightly prudish you seem to be the only one who might understand me. I seem to be shunned by members of both sexes [some quite forcibly] and physically I am no oil painting - I am very very hairy, I am boss-eyed, I walk with a peculiar gait and have a horrendous hygiene problem [all inherited].

I met a nice girl recently and we got to discussing our fantasies; hers was to be tied up with silk scarves and have hot candle wax dripped on her nipples and openings then to be kissed all over and......blah blah blah BORING!

When I said she was a nice girl I didnt know she was a fucking nun. So I get to tell one of my tamer fantasies [sensing she was a
tad fragile]...well the look on her face she looked at me like I had just bummed her grandad!  I must admit that does sound more appealing than scarves and candles. eh?

Anyway I told her I like to have my ball-bag bitten really hard whilst being attacked by a load of wasps. Made all the better if watched by Harold from Neighbours. Naked. Covered in marmite. Listening to reo speedwagon.

Would you sell me your pubes? Although I am very hirsute as I mentioned, I have no eyebrows. If I could fashion your forbidden hair on to my face perhaps it would provide me with a touch of elegant mystery.

I was recently toying with the idea of having my penis removed and re-located in the centre of my chest. What do you think? Would it look good or a bit silly? Would it be a new record? I would be able to smell it more but I have courageous nostrils!

Do you think I should start having some gay sex? While I don't particularly like the idea of having my arse being caved in it would be a way meeting new people.

My nan did warn me against such activity though, 'you only get one set of back doors' she used to say, and 'thanks to your fucking grandad I couldnt stop a pig in a passage'!

I would like to tell you more about my life and some of the things that happen when I am feeling a bit more comfortable, but I have to empty my bag now, its becoming unbearable and my dog has just been sick. Fingers crossed it doesn't burst again.


Cindy's Comment:
Brilliant Story, very entertaining! Certainly made me grin my cheeks off!
And oh, yes .. I am TERRIBLY prudish arn't I just!